Unsettling

The tricks your mind plays on you...

Dozens of times in the last couple of years I have glimpsed a face, or a blond head of hair, in a grocery store  or through the windshield of an oncoming car on a neighborhood street. Just for the tiniest micro second I see Kate. The blast of adrenalin feels like a thump to my chest. My mind goes, "Oh my God it's her!" to "No that's not her." to "You ass, she's not missing, she's dead. You were with her, she's not coming back!" The first year it happened a lot. Now, not as much thankfully. Because when it does happen it puts me into a spin that lasts for hours or sometimes days. Today was a bad one.

You'd be surprised how many middle aged, blond women wear yellow coats similar to the coat that Kate wore a lot the last couple years. In Wal-Mart this afternoon I came around a corner and a blond woman was standing  before me with her back to me wearing the coat. I got caught completely off guard because it's been weeks or maybe months since this has happened. The adrenalin rushed, my heart missed a beat and although I could hear one voice in my head saying it wasn't her, I slammed to a stop and stared at the woman. Another voice in my head was saying "Please be her." She turned her head so that I could see her face and it wasn't my Kate. It's never going to be Kate. I wonder how long before I stop reacting to women in yellow coats like this one.