Unsettling

The tricks your mind plays on you...

Dozens of times in the last couple of years I have glimpsed a face, or a blond head of hair, in a grocery store  or through the windshield of an oncoming car on a neighborhood street. Just for the tiniest micro second I see Kate. The blast of adrenalin feels like a thump to my chest. My mind goes, "Oh my God it's her!" to "No that's not her." to "You ass, she's not missing, she's dead. You were with her, she's not coming back!" The first year it happened a lot. Now, not as much thankfully. Because when it does happen it puts me into a spin that lasts for hours or sometimes days. Today was a bad one.

You'd be surprised how many middle aged, blond women wear yellow coats similar to the coat that Kate wore a lot the last couple years. In Wal-Mart this afternoon I came around a corner and a blond woman was standing  before me with her back to me wearing the coat. I got caught completely off guard because it's been weeks or maybe months since this has happened. The adrenalin rushed, my heart missed a beat and although I could hear one voice in my head saying it wasn't her, I slammed to a stop and stared at the woman. Another voice in my head was saying "Please be her." She turned her head so that I could see her face and it wasn't my Kate. It's never going to be Kate. I wonder how long before I stop reacting to women in yellow coats like this one.

First Snowfall

This year's neighbors.
We had the first significant snow fall yesterday, about 3 inches of very wet snow that has covered everything with a crunchy coat of "icy snow crystals". I took the dogs for a walk after daylight arrived and saw tracks in the driveway from the cow and calf that have taken up residence here this fall. The last time I saw them they wandered through the front yard in the evening while all the chickens, ducks, dogs and 5 people were standing around. The young cow was unconcerned about all of us, and her calf was only a little skittish. When my daughter's wiener dog stupidly charged him barking, the baby bull moose tried to stomp the wiener dog. He nearly got him too! I was thawing out the cars after the dog walk this morning when the moose walked through the yard with me and all the running vehicles. I zoomed in on the calf to get a shot of his antler bumps.